Friday, June 28, 2013

Where'd You Go, Bernadette

Where'd You Go, Bernadette 
Where'd You Go, Bernadette
Maria Semple
330 Pages
Total Pages: 3,451
Book #13

I'm not sure how I feel about this book. I'm usually pretty cut or dry on whether or not I like a book, but not with this one. It starts off and you're just like "what kind of book is this?" Is it a book about a lonely housewife who is antisocial and hates everyone, or is it a mystery? It starts off pretty slowly with commentary about how out of place Bernadette is with the other mothers in her daughter's private school. Then Bernadette is a genius and she runs away and her daughter, 15 year old Bee, tries to find her. Bernadette runs away to Antarctica. The dad tries to get Bernadette committed and he has an illegitimate child with his secretary who is Asian.

You can decide if you'd like to read this book because I'm not recommending it. It goes pretty quickly and keeps you interested, so I have to give this book that. It's not wordy, but it's one of those books that you can tell an older woman wrote. It has a lot of that language that makes if feel like maybe this book was written for bored housewives. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

I Can Barely Take Care of Myself.

  I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From A Happy Life Without Kids
Jen Kirkman
210 Pages
3,121 pages
Book # 12

This book should really just be called I Don't Want Kids and I'm Going to Use 210 Pages Explaining That Exact Statement. I get it, Jen Kirkman, you don't want kids. It only takes a page to let us know that. She literally spends the entire book saying that. Every page is a different story about why she doesn't want kids. People always ask her why she doesn't have kids, and she has to explain herself 12 different ways. How did she get a book deal? I mean, I realize that memoirs like this need to have some sort of "theme", but come on. I wanted to stop, but I kept going for you guys. 
This book wasn't funny at all. There was one sentence that I felt I could relate to: "Being overweight made me feel sad. When I'm sad I eat, then I feel fat and that makes me sad, so I eat more. It's a vicious (but fun) cycle".  Jen Kirkman got married to a guy who also didn't want kids (she had to mention that about 30 times) and she got really fat her first year of marriage. Of course she's skinny now. They *spoiler alert* get divorced after only a year of marriage. 
I'm sure that Jen had a lot of other funny stories about her life, but the publishers only let her write chapters pertaining to her avid desire to not have children. Her mom was kind of funny, I think they should've tapped into that resource a little more. Maybe I just don't relate to it because no one is asking me why I don't have kids. I'm sure they look at me and are like "oh you're fat and you seem like a loser, I won't bother asking you why there isn't a baby on your hip and a gold band on your finger". Or maybe I'm not old enough. I'm 25 so maybe it's still acceptable that I am child and husband-less. The more correct assumption for why I don't get harassed with this question is probably because the only adults I interact with know me well enough to know that I won't ever have a family. 
Anyway, it took me a rather long time to read this book (and then an even longer time to blog about it) because it was so bad. I maybe chuckled twice.  No one on the After Lately show is funny, so I don't know why I read all of their memoirs.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

You'll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again.

You'll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again
Heather McDonald
260 pages
2,911 total pages
Book #11

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to count this book in my 50 books that I'm planning on reading this year (Not going very well, anyway) since I've already read this book about 10 times. But I took the time to read it again, so it counts. 
This book just speaks to me. I started reading it again and then when I Googled Heather McDonald, her new book came up and I got that pretty quickly from the library and read it instead. But I finished this book today while I was at the gym. My bible. Heather is great. Every time I read this book, it makes me feel better and better about my life. I've had my friend's copy of this book for around two years, so I should really just buy my own copy, but nah. 
You know how I feel about this book so I don't need to go into detail. 

My Inappropriate Life

McDonald's book is funny, and as inappropriate as its title would suggest. (Deadline) 
My Inappropriate Life
Heather McDonald
250 pages
2,651 total pages
Book #10

Disappointment has a name and it's My Inappropriate Life. If you've read my other reviews of You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again, then you know how much I idolize Heather McDonald. Not in this book. Blue Ball was essentially my own personal memoir. The only differences were that Heather is skinny and pretty and she would date rich, older guys who drive imported cars that need to be fixed at special auto body shops. I'm not pretty or skinny and the boys I tend to date are younger, make less money than me and they share Rav 4's with their dad's. Or drive their grandpa's hand me down car's that smell like body odor. Real classy. 
Anyway, I was hoping that Heather's second book would be a lot of the same thing. Or at least be funny. There was one time that I laughed out loud during this book and that was at the very end when she quoted her father. I  can't relate to anything in this book because 1. I'm not married 2. I don't have kids 3. I don't work with Chelsea Handler and I don't idolize her and think that she is Buddha reincarnated. I don't even think that Chelsea Handler is remotely funny. Blue Balling was a lot more funny because it portrayed Heather as her own person, not Chelsea's lackey. There's nothing less attractive than a person who thinks that someone else is the Sun, the Earth and the stars. Unless that person is dating me and I am the Sun, the Earth and the stars. 
Personally, I don't care about your kids. This book brought back bad memories of all of the Tori Spelling memoirs that I read during a brief lapse in judgement. This book wasn't even inappropriate. It just made Heather look like a wannabe Real Housewife. Which might have been what she was going for. Personally, I wish that she would write more stories about blue balling hot guys because that's what I can relate to. I get that you found a husband and he's perfect and you have kids and they're adorable and you make a lot of money and you get invited to all of the Kardashian weddings. I don't, so stop gloating.