Sunday, December 22, 2013

Bergdorf Blondes

Bergdorf Blondes
Plum Sykes


I'm not even sure how I feel about myself after I read this book. But I'm not having many good feelings about myself. This was such a bad book. I think that the author wanted you to think that the main character, Lord, I don't even remember her name, was some kind of genius that chose to be an idiot because she liked to buy jeans for $325. She went to Princeton for goodness sake. For creative writing or some nonsense. So this girl is a staff writer for some fancy made up Conde Nast publication. 

She had all of these bad relationships with married men, and photographers, and princes of countries that aren't countries anymore. Like, come on.  THEN SHE TRIED TO OVERDOSE ON ADVIL IN PARIS. Who can be sad when they have a view of the Eiffel Tower from their bedroom window? The whole thing is very predictible and this is coming from a person who refuses to predict books and movies while they are happening because I just want to know what happens. You couldn't help but be like "Of course that's how it ends" . 
I thought it was going to be like Gossip Girl for the 20-something set. At least Gossip Girl had some substance. Those girls were smart and had something to offer other than clothes and highlights. I don't remember the books too well, but that's how the show was. Bergdof Blondes was nothing like that. 

I keep trying to find substitutes for some books. I read Valley of the Dolls a while back and I read online that this book was similar. No, it's not. It's horrible and stupid. Don't waste your time. 

I did finish it though, that always says something. 

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Man Up

Man Up: Tales Of My Delusional Self- Confidence 
Ross Mathews

As you know, I have a guilty pleasure of reading memoirs of  D-list celebrities. They're my favorite books, don't ask why. I've read every single book by all of the Chelsea Lately "comedians" and I've never seen an episode of that show. I don't even have the slightest idea who Ross Mathews is, but I did like this book. From the cover, I assumed that he would be some overly-flamboyant gay guy who waved his flag at every turn of the page (not that I would have a problem with that, but I don't think I would've finished the book...not my cup of tea). However, that's not the kind of book it was. 
I actually liked it a lot. Not saying that I would recommend it, but if you want a quick read, it's good. 

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

White Girl Problems

White Girl Problems
Babe Walker
288 Pages
Total Pages: 4,317
Book # 15


This wasn't what I thought it was going to be. It was, however, my favorite genre of literature: memoirs of rich white people. I didn't like Babe though. She had too much sex and did too many drugs for my liking. She's in rehab essentially and she's telling the reader stories about how she got in rehab. For a shopping addiction. She's allowed to have one because her father is a bajillionaire. 
There was one White Girl Problem that I could identify with:
Except that time I worked at the movie theater in Lexington Park. We all know that was my favorite job. This chapter...again, I had high expectations. Babe's father is a lawyer and he got her a job at his firm being an assistant. She was delusional and thought that she was actually a lawyer. It didn't read well. Maybe it would make a better movie. I just couldn't stand Babe.  

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Fifty Shames of Grey

Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
Fanny Merkin or Andrew something or other
Pages 210
Total Pages: 4,029
Book #14

This book took up three hours of my life. Three hours that I will never get back. I don't know how this is a book. I read the first page or two and I was like "Oh haha this is funny". Then it went downhill from there. Nothing needs to be said about this book other than it was stupid. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Mermaid Chair

The Mermaid Chair
Sue Monk Kidd
Pages: 368
Total Pages: 3,819
Book #14


This is a book that's a mystery to me. It's a mystery because I finished it. I hated this book from the start, so I don't know what pulled me through it. The plot: stupid. The characters: stupid. It was all just pretty stupid.
Here's what happens: This lady's mom goes crazy and cuts off her finger. So this lady (the main character, I can't remember her name, it's been a while since I read that book) goes to her childhood hometown to take care of her mother. She leaves her husband alone at home to stay at his island off South Carolina in a small beach town where she grew up. Her house is next to a monastery. She meets  a monk who only because a monk because he was very confused after his wife was killed in a car accident. There's a mermaid chair that has all of these myths and powers. Of course the main character is an artist who put her love of painting on hold so she could raise her daughter and take care of her husband. Everyone's a frickin' artist. Anyway, she obviously connects with the monk and her mom continues to have issues. I'll let you read it yourself. 

I think that this book was written for middle age housewives. While that's exactly what I aspire to be, I just couldn't help picturing the protagonist's mom jeans while she was having sex in an area that was, what I imagined, similar to that scene in The Notebook where they're in the boat with all of those swans or geese or whatever they are. Anyway, it was a stupid book.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Where'd You Go, Bernadette

Where'd You Go, Bernadette 
Where'd You Go, Bernadette
Maria Semple
330 Pages
Total Pages: 3,451
Book #13

I'm not sure how I feel about this book. I'm usually pretty cut or dry on whether or not I like a book, but not with this one. It starts off and you're just like "what kind of book is this?" Is it a book about a lonely housewife who is antisocial and hates everyone, or is it a mystery? It starts off pretty slowly with commentary about how out of place Bernadette is with the other mothers in her daughter's private school. Then Bernadette is a genius and she runs away and her daughter, 15 year old Bee, tries to find her. Bernadette runs away to Antarctica. The dad tries to get Bernadette committed and he has an illegitimate child with his secretary who is Asian.

You can decide if you'd like to read this book because I'm not recommending it. It goes pretty quickly and keeps you interested, so I have to give this book that. It's not wordy, but it's one of those books that you can tell an older woman wrote. It has a lot of that language that makes if feel like maybe this book was written for bored housewives. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

I Can Barely Take Care of Myself.

 
  I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From A Happy Life Without Kids
Jen Kirkman
210 Pages
3,121 pages
Book # 12

This book should really just be called I Don't Want Kids and I'm Going to Use 210 Pages Explaining That Exact Statement. I get it, Jen Kirkman, you don't want kids. It only takes a page to let us know that. She literally spends the entire book saying that. Every page is a different story about why she doesn't want kids. People always ask her why she doesn't have kids, and she has to explain herself 12 different ways. How did she get a book deal? I mean, I realize that memoirs like this need to have some sort of "theme", but come on. I wanted to stop, but I kept going for you guys. 
This book wasn't funny at all. There was one sentence that I felt I could relate to: "Being overweight made me feel sad. When I'm sad I eat, then I feel fat and that makes me sad, so I eat more. It's a vicious (but fun) cycle".  Jen Kirkman got married to a guy who also didn't want kids (she had to mention that about 30 times) and she got really fat her first year of marriage. Of course she's skinny now. They *spoiler alert* get divorced after only a year of marriage. 
I'm sure that Jen had a lot of other funny stories about her life, but the publishers only let her write chapters pertaining to her avid desire to not have children. Her mom was kind of funny, I think they should've tapped into that resource a little more. Maybe I just don't relate to it because no one is asking me why I don't have kids. I'm sure they look at me and are like "oh you're fat and you seem like a loser, I won't bother asking you why there isn't a baby on your hip and a gold band on your finger". Or maybe I'm not old enough. I'm 25 so maybe it's still acceptable that I am child and husband-less. The more correct assumption for why I don't get harassed with this question is probably because the only adults I interact with know me well enough to know that I won't ever have a family. 
Anyway, it took me a rather long time to read this book (and then an even longer time to blog about it) because it was so bad. I maybe chuckled twice.  No one on the After Lately show is funny, so I don't know why I read all of their memoirs.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

You'll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again.

 
You'll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again
Heather McDonald
260 pages
2,911 total pages
Book #11

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to count this book in my 50 books that I'm planning on reading this year (Not going very well, anyway) since I've already read this book about 10 times. But I took the time to read it again, so it counts. 
This book just speaks to me. I started reading it again and then when I Googled Heather McDonald, her new book came up and I got that pretty quickly from the library and read it instead. But I finished this book today while I was at the gym. My bible. Heather is great. Every time I read this book, it makes me feel better and better about my life. I've had my friend's copy of this book for around two years, so I should really just buy my own copy, but nah. 
You know how I feel about this book so I don't need to go into detail. 

My Inappropriate Life

McDonald's book is funny, and as inappropriate as its title would suggest. (Deadline) 
My Inappropriate Life
Heather McDonald
250 pages
2,651 total pages
Book #10

Disappointment has a name and it's My Inappropriate Life. If you've read my other reviews of You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again, then you know how much I idolize Heather McDonald. Not in this book. Blue Ball was essentially my own personal memoir. The only differences were that Heather is skinny and pretty and she would date rich, older guys who drive imported cars that need to be fixed at special auto body shops. I'm not pretty or skinny and the boys I tend to date are younger, make less money than me and they share Rav 4's with their dad's. Or drive their grandpa's hand me down car's that smell like body odor. Real classy. 
Anyway, I was hoping that Heather's second book would be a lot of the same thing. Or at least be funny. There was one time that I laughed out loud during this book and that was at the very end when she quoted her father. I  can't relate to anything in this book because 1. I'm not married 2. I don't have kids 3. I don't work with Chelsea Handler and I don't idolize her and think that she is Buddha reincarnated. I don't even think that Chelsea Handler is remotely funny. Blue Balling was a lot more funny because it portrayed Heather as her own person, not Chelsea's lackey. There's nothing less attractive than a person who thinks that someone else is the Sun, the Earth and the stars. Unless that person is dating me and I am the Sun, the Earth and the stars. 
Personally, I don't care about your kids. This book brought back bad memories of all of the Tori Spelling memoirs that I read during a brief lapse in judgement. This book wasn't even inappropriate. It just made Heather look like a wannabe Real Housewife. Which might have been what she was going for. Personally, I wish that she would write more stories about blue balling hot guys because that's what I can relate to. I get that you found a husband and he's perfect and you have kids and they're adorable and you make a lot of money and you get invited to all of the Kardashian weddings. I don't, so stop gloating.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Kasher in the Rye

 

Kasher in the Rye
Moshe Kasher
300 pages
Total pages 2,134
Book #7

I had no intention of reading this book, but I'm glad that I did. I was looking through the Biography section at the library (because I love a good memoir) and anything that I assume is related to Catcher in the Rye is fine by me.  Any book (or movie) that makes me cry, I like. I don't, however, like to cry from being sad. I only like stories about beat down people who change their ways and become healthy and successful. That's the only thing I like to waste my tears on. This book did just that.
Moshe, who when he was younger went by Mark (he never really explained the transition), was born to two deaf parents, both Jewish. They were poor, ironically, and split up when Mark was young. He lived with his mother and grandmother in Oakland, California. He got into a bad crowd. You know, drugs and drinking. Lots of pot. He was really aggressive and ended up in places like where I used to work and rehab and such. I liked that. 
And like any other story, he turned everything around. Stopped beating his mom, stealing from his mom and the local liquor stores. He stopped hanging out with his bad friends. He started becoming a sign interpreter, which is something I've always sort of wanted to do. It made me really happy. 
Kasher is funny and smart. I like his wit. I liked everything about this book.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Savages

 
Savages
Don Winslow
pages 302
Total pages 1,834
Book #6

I'm  not sure if I liked this book or not. I liked the way that Winslow had a very easy flow to his writing that made reading painless despite the fact that people are getting beheaded. Not left and right, unfortunately. I liked the characters a lot. You don't get too involved in their lives but they're not these foreign people whose motives make zero sense.  I wasn't sure what I was expecting. More violence, probably. 
Not being privy to the Mexican drug cartel, the book seemed realistic to me. I mean, I doubt that two almost regular guys (one was a SEAL) could outsmart and take down the biggest and most powerful drug cartel in Mexico. Okay, they didn't "take them down" but they sort of crippled an aspect of their reign. 
I got the movie right after I finished the book and eh.
Movies are never as good as the book. I don't understand why they changed the plot so much. I thought it was fine the way it was.

Monday, February 11, 2013

An Extraordinary Theory of Objects

An Extraordinary Theory of Objects:
A Memoir of an Outsider in Paris
Stephanie LaCava
177 pages
1,532 total pages
Book #5

I ordered this book from the library because Emma Roberts said that she was reading it. I tried to read another book that she recommended and I couldn't get through it. But this one was 177 easy pages and I enjoyed the two hours that it took me to read this book. There were pictures and A LOT of footnotes which I didn't read. I don't have the mental capacity to read footnotes mainly because I get too distracted. The footnotes were not necessary to understand the story so I didn't feel the need to read them. I read some of them, however. The footnotes were there to talk about historical facts about a word or a person that the author mentioned. 
The memoir was about a girl who was born in the United States but moved with her family to a town outside of Paris when she was 11. LaCava discussed the few years that she spent in Paris and how it affected her life thereafter. I enjoy anything that has to do with "outsiders" because I always think I'm going to find some common ground with the character. That wasn't really the case with this book. I didn't relate too much to LaCava, mostly because she was one of those people who was always told that she was "different" and then fixated on that fact and reminded you at least twice on every page. I think that's unnecessary. If you're that eccentric, it will show. You can't tell people you are something.  You just have to be yourself and other people can make up their own mind about you.
I liked the book though. I think that the cover is gorgeous. The copy of the book that I got from the library was too small for my taste. Something about the general esthetics of the book threw me off.

Pretty Little Liars

Pretty Little Liars
Sara Shepard
286 pages
1,355 total pages
Book #4

Yes, I read Pretty Little Liars. Please forgive me. It took a few hours to read this gem. It started out and I wasn't sure that I was going to make it because it is clearly a book written for 7th graders who are transfixed by high school problems. The book starts out when the main characters are in middle school and you know the rest since we've all seen the TV show. The show follows along closely with the book, which I always like. I hate seeing the film version of a book before I read the actual book because I find my imagination much better than other people's. 
Anyway, I eventually grew to be interested in the book once the main characters entered high school. So I must have the mindset of a 7th grader. It was a quick read and those are my favorite. I need short books if I'm ever going to read 50 books this year. It was almost 300 pages so that's sort of a lot for me. Come on now.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Looking for Mr. Goodbar

 
Looking For Mr. Goodbar
Judith Rossner
390 pages
1,069 total pages
Book #3

When I finished this book last night, I had a lot to say. Now I can't really think about anything. I liked the book enough. I really like the way that Rossner sets up the plot. 
I'm going to spoil it so don't get mad at me.
The main character gets murdered in the first couple of pages and then it goes back and tells you about her life and how she ended up with the guy who killed her. 
The whole time I'm reading the book, every guy she takes home from the bar, I'm like "is that the guy". I forgot the murderers name so I had that element of suspense. 
As for the characters, I didn't like any of them except James, the put together virgin who is in love with Theresa for some reason. Theresa Dunn is the main character. She was easily likeable enough towards the beginning of her story, but once she got "depressed" in the middle I sort of lost interest and couldn't wait for her to get killed. She was mean to James which made me not understand why he "loved" her. Anyway, Theresa had absolutely not positive qualites, maybe Rossner did that on purpose so you wouldn't get attached to her. Not sure why though because 95% of the book is about her life. 
There is this one conversation that Theresa has with James that I really liked. The whole time Theresa said that she didn't care about James so one day she randomly felt like getting to know him, only when he confessed to being a virgin. She said that she was curious and he said:
So I like James. I read the book easily enough. It was all plot and none of that stupid thinking nonsense that I hate.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Wicked

Wicked
Gregory MaGuire
406 pages
Total = 679

I had moments I loved this book and then I had moments when I loved this book so much that I wanted it to never end. My sister got this book for me when I was still in college and I got through the first 100 pages and never picked it up again. I think I thought it was boring but I so badly wanted to love it since I love The Wizard of Oz so much. But, alas, I stopped reading. Then when I was at home over New Years, I started reading it again and couldn't stop. Maybe it made more sense, maybe I'm just in a better place in my life right now. Who knows. But I liked the way that MaGuire wrote it. You don't get too close to any of the characters since it's not written in 1st person. I liked the history. I love anyone that can be creative. I do really love Oz, and maybe this will inspire me to read the rest of the Oz books by Baum. But who knows. I thought that there were too many useless characters. Parts of it I didn't understand because I'm stupid. But overall I really enjoyed it. I thought it was going to take me a lot longer to read, but I read about 50-100 pages a day because depending on my mood, I was really into it. I'm still trying to read 50 books this year and two down and 13 days in. 
I'm hoping to finish the series, but I might not. I'm reading the second book in this series and it's about Elphaba's son. Her son is stupid so I'm not really in to the book yet. I'm hoping it gets better.
Anyway, I liked this book. You should read it if you like fantasy.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

How Did You Get This Number

How Did You Get This Number
Sloane Crosley
273 pages

I thought that I was going to really like this book. I read her first book a few years back and I thought I remembered liking it. And then I read the review I wrote about it and I apparently didn't like it. So much for my memory. 
Anyway, I guess this book was exactly like the last one. It took me about 2 weeks to finish the first two pages. I'm not sure why all of these people reviewing her book are going on and on about how funny it is. They must be getting paid a lot of money to do that. 
I read it though. 
So I guess that's a good thing.
But it was boring. Some of the stories were interesting. 
That's all I have to say.

So here's the thing

I'm going to try to do a book challenge. I'm going to attempt to read 50 books this year. That's a lot, I know. But I'm hopeful. I'm going to focus on good things this year, my favorite things, not stupid, worthless people. And reading always distracts me so this year hopefully I'll be very distracted. I'm going to try to either read 50 books or 15,000 pages. Which ever I can accomplish to not make myself feel like an ass. I've only read one book so far this year... I probably should hurry up with my readathon. But we know I can't finish anything.