Monday, December 6, 2010

STori Telling

sTori Telling
Tori Spelling

Do I need to give you an explanation as to why I chose to read this book? Yes, I think I do. A few weeks ago, I read Mommywood, also by Tori Spelling and I closed the book with negative feelings about this woman. I never intended to think poorly of her because I think that she means well, but I don't know how I made it through over 200 pages of this woman trying to convince me that she wasn't a spoiled Hollywood starlet. After a while you lose interest in her "poor Tori" plight. I could care less that your father was Aaron Spelling and he gave you everything you wanted. I think I would like Tori Spelling so much better if she just owned up to the fact that her father was a multimillionaire. That's cool that you get whatever you want. People like that. We know that you're rich, and sure we're jealous that you just wave a credit card or give your dad puppy dog eyes and you get a new outfit. That's what's expected, it's what's normal for you, Tori. Live it up. By the end of the book she was poor.
Among the bajillion things that bother me about Tori Spelling is the fact that she is the biggest hypocrite in the world. I'm all for hypocrites, seeing as I am one, but I am also not cheating on my husband. I didn't convince some man I loved him, but I was too selfish to give him up, married him, lived with him/avoided him for a year only to do a movie with some random Canadian actor and have an affair with said actor, think I was his soul mate in 12 days and then tell my devoted Catholic husband that I want a divorce. I completely lose all respect for any one who cheats on their spouse/significant other, but when your mother is doing it and you have the NERVE to judge her for what she's doing, I have a problem.
You know what, maybe this woman had a hard life. She had relationship issues with her mother, we all do. She's had crazy boyfriends who beat her up and stole all of her hard earned 90210 money. But you're not in love with someone after 12 days. And she might have been, who am I to judge? But I don't think that you should leave your husband for a 12 day relationship. I guess I'm just a cynic, I don't know.
Overall, I don't like her. I try desperately to like her because I feel bad that she is basically just tabloid fodder when it's a slow news day. But after reading her books, you honestly have a hard time overlooking her annoying habits.

Fast Food Nation

Fast Food Nation
Eric Scholsser

When I embarked on the journey that is reading Fast Food Nation, I was fully prepared to end my quest with a completely changed perspective and a complete sense of hatred against the Fast Food industry. I ended up with quite the opposite feeling. The second I closed the book I had visions of Taco Bell's Crunchwrap Supreme floating in my head.
Okay, this isn't entirely true. I did feel some sympathy for the unfortunate, illiterate Mexican employees of the Meat Packing industry who are sometimes swept up into the meat grinding machines and meet an untimely death. I do really feel for these men and women, don't think I'm a terrible person. But for some reason, this information really isn't going to deter me from eating Taco Bell (the book mostly focused on McDonald's and Carl's Jr.) It was the threat of e. coli (some random number after it), not the possibility of a Mexican man's arm being in my hamburger, that made me not want to eat at McDonald's.
The good thing for me is, that I don't really eat too much fast food anyway. I just think I'm so fat that Fast Food is going to make everything so much worse. I'm not even sure if the purpose of this book was to convince the reader that eating at a fast food restaurant is a bad idea because of the unhealthiness of it's menu, but more because the executives of these compaines are corrupt, money-hungry beasts. But you knew this already. What lid is Eric blowing off? Yeah, you did make me pity the workers in meat packing plants, but I don't think that this book spurred a revolution like Mr. Sinclair did in 1906.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I Hate Everything

I Hate Everything
Matthew DiBenedetti

I Hate Everything is probably the easiest book for me to relate to. Ever. I constantly get made fun of for repeating the phrase "I hate that". And while I do hate a lot of things, I like several things, probably thousands of things, but no one seems to notice those things. They just think that I hate everything. Anyway, this book was a laugh after a laugh. I couldn't stop laughing the whole time.
The entire book is this man listing the things he hates. Some of the things he hates you just sit back and say "OMG, stop" but most of them you're yelling in you're head "I KNOW, ME TOO!" The sad thing is that the guy made money off something that I could have done. I think that I have skillfully perfected the "I hate everything" attitude.
My uncle, forever the optimist, thought that this book was stupid. I think that he is stupid. This book is funny and it was extremely enjoyable. You can read it in less than 15 minutes (always a plus) and you get more entrainment out of it than most books.
So, overall, thank you, Jamie for randomly purchasing this and sending it to me.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I Was Told There'd Be Cake

I Was Told There'd Be Cake
Sloane Crosley

This book was everything that I thought it would be, yet nothing I was hoping for. I was everything that I thought it would be in that it was a bunch of unrelated stories strung together to simulate a book. As with all books written in this fashion, I eventually grew extremely bored with the pattern and the stories just become banal and pointless. When I say it was nothing I was hoping for, I mean that the title is totally deceiving. When you put the word "cake" in a title, you expect the book will be about a fat person, or at least about food. The only food mentioned in the whole book was sushi. Sushi is not the guilty pleasure to obese individuals as much as cake is, and I much prefer cake.
There were, however, a few funny sentences. My favorite being "It was a girlishly democratic game of Red Rover and I made sure we sent Helen on over". I don't even think I need to go in to much detail about this story mainly because I found it to be utterly unbelievable as I can't imagine a high school "best friend forever" whom you haven't spoken to in 10 years would call you up and assume that you'd be her MAID OF HONOR. No, perhaps she'd invite you to the wedding, but even that is a stretch with the alleged lack of friends this one Francine (who neither took her future husbands last name or kept her own, instead the couple both changed their last names to "Universe"...completely unbelievable) has.
As a person who gets extremely lost in books and has the tendency to relate to protagonists in abnormal ways, I wasn't really excited to become Sloane Crosley. She had her funny points, but I think that, honestly, her thought process was way above mine. I need protagonists who aren't the sharpest tool in the shed in order for me to relate to them. Sloane could have also cited some better stories. Towards the end I just completely skipped a story because it was too long and boring. I can't help myself sometimes.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

You'll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again

You'll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again
Heather Mcdonald

I would have to say that this is the funniest book I've ever read. Hands down. I'm not sure why I loved it so much. Could it possibly be just that Heather McDonald is hilarious or is it that this book makes me feel so much better about my life, because it is basically my life? I never thought that anyone else felt the way that I do and now I know I'm not alone. Of course, her life is ten million times more exciting than mine, obviously, she has a book deal and I don't. Even still, I love every minute of this book.
We aren't only the same in our lifestyle choices, but we hate when people are late and we have THE SAME philosophy: she went over to this guy's house and she left extra early so she wouldn't be late. "Yes, Fred, I thought, because, you see I'm a freak and I left a little after four to get here by 6. I am always on time. People are either always on time, 15 minutes late, or hours late. There is no in-between. I guess I am always afraid of missing something when I socialize. Everyone knows the seven layer bean dip is the first thing to be devoured. I also never want to inconvenience someone, when you're late, you do that."
Heather McDonald is basically my new hero. Forget Holden Caulfield, I love this girl. Her life ended up being everything I want. I am, of course, no where near the dating enthusiast that she is, so my life will never turn out like hers.
So, thank you, Jamie, for showing me this book. I put it on my list at the library this summer when you showed me that you read it, and it JUST got here. Thanks, Allegheny County Public Library.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
Chelsea Handler

I've never really been able to call myself a fan of Chelsea Handler's, but I do find her books to be finish-able, which is obviously a good quality in a book. Though I might have had a few laughs at her two previous books, My Horizontal Life and Are You There, Vodka. It's Me, Chelsea, her newest book really didn't even have me chuckle.
It's main selling point was the fact that I was able to read it in less than two days and that includes sleeping, working and soundlessly watching Jamie on Video Chat for a few hours (that sounds creepier than it really is). As you know, I love any book that I can read in a day or two, and usually those are my favorite kind of books.
Aside from the numerous typos throughout the book, I really wish that Chelsea Handler would come up with a different set-up for her books. I like the way that each chapter is a story, but these stories suck and I think there comes a time when you need to write yourself a novel. Take Augusten Burroughs. He wrote Running with Scissors and Sellevision (which were fiction-esque novels, even though Running was a memoir, it didn't always seem like one) as well as penning several Chelsea-Handler type memoirs, all of which I read. I think my problem was that eventually I got bored with the same old-same old and had trouble finishing his memoirs. That's what's happening with Chelsea.
I think you should read this if you like Chelsea Handler or you haven't read any of her other books and would like to start off with something not very funny. I wouldn't want you to get your hopes up if you started with either of her other two books and then got to Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang and thought it was stupid. I honestly feel that Chelsea Handler thinks that she's so funny she can just say anything and people will laugh. Unfortunately this is not the case.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Tori Spelling

I never really had anything against Tori Spelling until I read this book. Well, even after reading this book I have no feelings towards her. She is what she is. Does she have fans? I'm not sure. The only time I watched Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood I wasn't amused and I turned off the TV in about two minutes. I honestly couldn't take her whining. All she does is whine about Dean and whine about how much of a celebrity she is. I never see her in the paper all that much. Is she famous? I'm really not sure.
Her entire book was stupid stories about her children, mainly Liam, and how he poops and thinks that his mother is the most famous human being on the planet. She is so concerned with her own celebrity it's insane. Was she ever famous? I'm not sure. I wasn't watching 90210 in the 90's I was watching Power Rangers and Barney, so I'm really not sure of her role in social culture. I wasn't aware that she was a paparazzi stalked as she claims. But back to what I said in the first sentence, it's a lot of Liam poop stories. I like poop as much as the next freak, but it was honestly too much.
I'm sure I would have found this book a lot more appealing if I had children or I knew anything about Tori Spelling's life other than the fact that her father was Aaron Spelling. That was basically my background going in to this book. Eventually I'm going to read her first book because I think it was before she had children so I don't have to read these mundane stories about how she walked into a Halloween party for her son as the only parent dressed up as a slutty bee, or the only parent with a costume for that matter.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Portnoy's Complaint

I've started to read this book called Portnoy's Complaint and I can't say that I'm extremely in love with it. I think at page 112, I am done reading this book. I'm still uncertain of what I don't like about the book, but there is something. It's probably it's lack of plot and substance.

The protagonist, Alex Portnoy, is like an older, Jewish Tucker Max. The only problem is he doesn't tell you stories. The entire book (so far) is him retroactively talking to his parents about being Jewish or telling the reader about his perverse shenanigans as a young boy. That is basically it.

Do I want you to read this book? No, not really.
Will I finish this book? Who knows. Probably not.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Short Stories

Ok so as of now, my top three favorite short stories are as follows:

1. Everything that Rises Must Converge
2. The Most Dangerous Game
3. The Tell Tale Heart

and now I'm off to read a collection of short stories and when I'm done, I will decide if my list has changed any. I'm doing this because I can't focus and books aren't calling to me at the moment.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Driving with Dead People

Monica Holloway.

I was expecting this book to be a lot better than it was. I wasn't sure what to expect, but with my recent obsession with funerals and hearses, I thought this book would send me into a new career mode. I was hoping that the whole thing would revolve around funeral homes. I guess I should start reading the back cover, huh?
It started out just like any memoir should, about this girl's childhood. Normally I don't like this, unless it's funny, of course. The story progressed into her becoming a slut, she gets pregnant and has an abortion. That was the last straw for me. I realize that the book wasn't about her being a slut, but I don't like reckless people who aren't funny who pretend to be funny. Then the thing that bothered me was the whole aspect of child molestation. It disturbs me to strange levels (as I assume it should). You never even really find out if her dad molested her. Maybe they said it, and I was thinking about other things and missed it.
Other than the childhood trauma, the other thing that bothered me was the fact that the plot seemed strangely reminiscent of Twilight. From the picture, the author doesn't seem like the trophy girl, but for some reason, all of these guys were asking her out randomly. Her first boyfriend asked her out at a basketball game (ok, this was her second boyfriend, her first one ended up being gay). She was just sitting in the bleachers with her friends and Adam, a 21 year old college student, walks up to her and asks her out. Does this happen in real life? Then later when she's in college herself, she's auditioning for some acting group and this "really hot guy" (the one who gets her pregnant) says something witty to her and they end up having a fling. It just kept happening like that.
So, now that I've basically told you all the good parts, you don't have to read it. It's written well, but it's a let down if you were expecting some insight into the intricacies of a funeral home.
Would I recommend this book? I would recommend the first few chapters.